United Family
Just as Laura Davis describes in her book I Thought We’d Never Speak Again , I have seen different outcomes of estrangements in my practice as well. I have worked with adult children of abusers who gained closeness with their abusive relatives and resolved their history together. However, most of the time when they attempted to talk about their abuse, the abuser denied their actions and the reconciliation failed. Rarely has the abuser recognized or admitted what they did and apologized. Although an apology is not always the golden key to reunification, without one, it is nearly impossible for two people to come back together. In the most successful cases, a new perception, a new level of expectation, and setting ground rules have all helped to re-establish healthy relationships.
If you have voluntarily estranged yourself from another, you might still feel a loss, even as if the person has died. An abuser often has different faces that not everyone will see. Therefore, when one decides to estrange from their abuser, others might not understand or be supportive, which often causes further estrangement from relatives and community.
For the person who has been estranged, this dynamic can also be very hard. Their best coping mechanism is to try to understand that the person is estranging them so they can “let go of what they cannot change” or cope with. This can cause the estranged person to feel angry or hurt, or at the very least, confused, but it’s important for this person to remember that they cannot change another person’s feelings or triggers. If you are a person who has experienced estrangement at the hands of another, consider whether you need to take a look at your own potential for abuse or addiction. But if you believe you are healthy, then your only recourse is to allow the other person to proceed in the way they feel is appropriate — even if you do not agree or understand. Can you love without being loved back or without having contact? You can try to make amends, but if that does not work you must simply live your own life, even if it seems hard, painful, and empty.
Whether the estranger or the estranged, forgiveness is the first step to freeing ourselves from the emotional prison of the past. It can feel counterintuitive, especially to victims of abuse, and sometimes unsafe, to consider forgiving someone who has caused us great harm. We feel that holding on to our resentment and hatred keeps us protected from future abuse. We are afraid that if we let it go, and soften into forgiveness, that we’ll open ourselves up to becoming victims once again.
The first step to forgiveness happens inside your own heart, and does not require any re-connection with the person who hurt you. That reconnection may (but doesn’t have to) come later. Laura Davis draws a line between forgiveness and reconciliation and explains that it is possible to forgive a person without forgiving their previous actions. Fred Luskin, author of Forgive For Good, who launched the Stanford Forgiveness Project, adds that forgiving has medical as well as emotional benefits. Consider seeking therapy to deal with the grief and heal, educate yourself, and seek out support groups.
Citations:
1 http://www.harpercollins.com/books/Thought-Wed-Never-Speak-Again-Laura-Davis/?isbn=9780060957025
